This year , time is really passing by so quickly . i rmb in jan , was just thinking still got a lot time left to study . then in a blink of an eye . its august . results for chinese olevels are out . satisfied & not intending to retake . conflicted emotions . to be happy or to be sad? this year , my school whole batch , overall 10A1s only . pathetic . getting back my chinese results really did seemed like a pail of cold water is being poured over me , waking me up to reality . it appears that i no longer have the luxury of time , to read books for leisure instead of doing another maths paper . i no longer have the choice to choose not to study or revise either .
this morning , i went back for an ss class test . it really showed how prepared i was - not in the least . being someone who have always gotten A1 for comb humans, i naturally assumed that i dont have to study . but of course some where in my subconscious mind , i knew i needed to revise because i had truly forgotton everything . i was surprised by the paper today . teacher had said to study all four topics that she narrowed down for us . being lazy that i was , i only studied one . it didnt come out . improvised ,starting crapping . truly wtf style .
with this month coming to an end soon , i've had many disppointments . chinese result was expected typical of my standard . but deep down i probably did want an A . add to the fact that my mother's first words were, why did you do so badly? it was all i could to not just give up and cry for the rest of the day .
then, there was yst , where i had my chem test . could not understand why i cheated when i could have depended on myself . the answers were such that it was obvious copying . but the thing is , i got the correct answer but chose to see others' answers . shows how much my confidence to do chem is . angry at myself to be so stupid . then borrowed iphone to check dpa . i didnt get in . when i read it , my first response was just , oh . with that resigned finality . i didnt feel any disappointment . i truly didnt because i had already expected it from the day after i went for the face to face interview . but perhaps i probably did wonder , that perhaps i was one of the lucky three , deep down . & thats where the disappointment hit , finally , after some time .
i did probably appear to be upset to the others . but when i questioned myself, was i really sad with regards to the dpa? the answer was a resounding no . i think maybe , i probably havent truly made up my mind on whether thats the path i wanted to follow after my olevels . as miss toh&ms chia said , things happen for a reason . perhaps i really wasnt suited for the course? but of course , i would still use that course's cop as my goal -9points . i've decided that i want 3A1s & 2B3s . but if possible , an A2 for my bio too . but to accomplised this goal , i need that effort to make it happen . i know . i really do . but i seem to just cannot bring myself to do it . was the motivation not enough? i really do not know .
im also officially pmsing . everyone is probably wondering why im announcing it the the whole world . well , mood swings suck . seriously . i could see the weird glances shot at me yst . where one moment i was asking if i could hug them , and then the next where i just sat there and stared blankly into space & had teary eyes .
prelims start next week , lasting all the way into september . im not ready yet . but i have to be . i'll try . really . i will . & that's a solemn promise to myself .
♥our lips must always be sealed
8/20/2011 06:19:00 PM
Did I hear someone say "chocolate"? 
Saturday